10 years

So, it's been a long time since I have made an entry and I just feel I have to document something today about how I am feeling. Going to try and stop thinking about this is as a blog and more of a web diary / scrapbook and hopefully that way, I feel more ready to make more entries.

Anyway, so I just saw the film "Up" and I had heard all the hype about it but I just was not expecting it to take me to the emotional space that it did. So those people that have seen it already know it's about an old man who gets married to his first love and constantly dreams of exploring South America with his kindred spirit. In something like a 1 minute sequence, we see them get married / find out they are infertile and grow old together. Sadly, the wife dies and the old man is left on his own. A lot of stuff happens in between but ultimately, he ends up where they always dreamt of in South America and looks back at the unfinished scrapbook she created when they were children. In it, she has been slowly documenting their simple moments of joy as during their life together and it ends on the last page with a message how "they have had an amazing adventure and now he should have his own new adventure". The film continues but to me, that was the one of the moist poignant cinematic moments of my entire life.

Just got me thinking of a cascade of memories, hopes and regrets about how certain parts have life have played out (not that I would change them or that there is anything I could have done to prevent them, but nevertheless, regrets). Anyway, haven't cried in ages and just found myself drenched in tears (and still haven't quite quelled the flood!). Tried to walk it off around the house but ended up going to my parents room and just the thought of their mortality causes such a deep emotional gutteral pain inside that the tears just started gushing out uncontrollably. Was sitting there by their bed and the thought of one of them not being here honestly makes me feel suicidal. I'm sure they have absolutely no idea that I love them so much because I regularly don't really treat them half as good as they deserve. I guess that's because I have been carrying a lot of deep-seated childhood issues (that they are responsible for) and don't ever let the thought that I would run out of time cross my mind.

Anyway, had to get out of there and went down the staircase into the hallway which are just plastered with family photos of them looking so proud and happy: graduation shots, backgarden shots, just moments capturing happiness and most importantly, snapshots of them in their younger days. Had a headache all day but the tears just made it worse so I went to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen for some paracetamol and opened it to see just a plethora of medication boxes. The thing that kills me is that only a few years ago, this very cabinet was full of maybe 2-3 drugs max. but seeing all those other boxes just made me face up to the fact that they are aging, and no matter how much I suppress the thought, they won't be here forever.

Don't think I can write much more in this state, going to have to go and get a drink but ultimately, I think the reason why i had to write something is to archive this moment so that I remember to make a big deal out of them, appreciate them, hug them more, eat with them more, go on holidays with them, make them happy and give them back at least one millionth of what they have given me.

On a more physical level, I think I have to got to realise that they are just pensioners now and I have to help them more and pay back some of the huge amounts of money they have spent and lent me. Can't actually believe this, but it's mum's 70th next year, her 70th, hearing it just doesn't sound real. Again, starting to pour a bit again because it just makes me think of some of my GP patients and general life expectancy. Don't ever want ever hazard a guess as to how many more years I will be fortunate to have them around (not only physically but with the mental sharpness that they have) but for arguments sake, let's say 80 - that gives me hopefully 10 years to show them how much they mean to me and bring them the happiness that they have sacrificed so much for. But anyway, I'll close by saying that for the 70th, I have to do something so special and massive because ultimately, she deserves the world. They both do.